Golf Jokes!

 

 

 

A minister was at The Pearly Gates, being interviewed by Saint Peter.

 

Saint Peter is reviewing the good minister's life, and comments, "You've lead an exceptional life, father Joe."

 

The father replies, "yes, I know. I've tried to follow in the footsteps of the Lord."

 

Saint Peter, "But I see that there was once where you used the Lord's name in vain."

 

"Ah, yes.It was the 18th hole, a par 4, and if I got par, it would be my first time scoring under 60."

 

Saint Peter, now interested, "Go on!"

 

"So I got up to the tee, and smacked my ball, with all my might. And, oh boy did it fly. Straight down the fairway, about 300 yards. But when I got to my ball, it had been wedged into the ground by some drunk's golf cart."

 

"Well that must have been when you... "

 

"No, " says the minister, interrupting, "I'm pretty good with my three iron. I chipped down on it, and it went sailing onto the green. The wind was bad that day, and as it bounced up, the wind caught a piece of it and threw it off the green, and into the sand trap on the side."

 

"So that must when you used... "

 

"No, " Interrupting once more, "I just gritted my teeth, and chipped it, along with a hole lot of sand, onto the green. When the dust settled, there was my ball. Two feet from the hole"

 

"Jesus Christ. Don't tell me you choked the Goddamn putt!"

 

 

After being hit by a golf ball, George walks up to the golfer.

"You hit me, you idiot! You didn't even yell fore!"

"I'm so sorry sir, but it happened so fast I didn't get the chance to."

"And yet I heard you yell 'damn'?"

 

 

"First you tee the ball" The golf instructor was saying.

"I tee the ball, now what do I twew!"

 

 

A drunk and a Nun were playing golf together, and the drunk kept on missing his ball.

 

He would swing, and then miss, and mutter, "Goddamn it, I missed!"

 

At first the nun just frowned, but after the sixth or seventh time of saying this, she quietly tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me sir, but I wish you would stop using the Lord's name in vain. If you continue, the clouds will part and a lightning beam will strike you dead on this spot."

 

Looking at here for a second, the drunk then turned and swung once more. Missing once again, he yells out loud, "GODDAMNIT, I MISSED!"

 

All of the sudden, the clouds part, and a stream of lightning descends from the heavens, and strikes the Nun dead. And from the sky, a deep voice mutters. "Goddamnit, I missed!"

 

 

 

 

BILL: Want to play golf today Fred?

FRED: Can't. I've joined Golfers Anonymous.

BILL: Whatthell's that!

FRED: Whenever I feel like golfing, someone comes over and drinks with me!

 

 

You're not going to try and put that, are you?" The caddy asked the golfer. "It's 50 feet from the pin!"

Whatthehell are you now. A caddy, or a land surveyor.